Mum's the Word
by sheikgoddess
Summary: Written as a challenge from Neo Diji. AU EdxRoy This is what happens when Trisha Elric finds out about their relationship. Crackfic, extremely crude and innuendo galore! One shot


Sheikgoddess: Written as a challenge by Neo Diji. I've thought of a few versions (Hmm scary thought) I know people were expecting an update for Barely Human. I'm working on it - might happen by next week.

Uh, this is probably the crudest story I've ever written but it's nice to try something new :) It's a little AU so Trisha Elric is alive for the story; she came back to life so sue me.

Disclaimer: Ed would cry if this ever really happened to him!

**Mum's the Word**

Ever since her son had brought Trisha Elric back, she had always wondered what he got up to working back late at the military. Though she supported the fact that he had a fulfilling career, she missed having Ed around the house. In fact, it had been several weeks since she had seen him home in time for dinner.

Trisha missed her son. Missed his refusal to drink milk and she missed having both the boys in the house. She had compromised in the past. She had moved from the quiet country town of Risembool to the hustle and bustle of Central to be close to her sons.

Trisha looked out the window. Sunset already and Ed still wasn't home. Her motherly stubbornness was taking over. If Ed wouldn't come home to dinner, she would bring dinner home to Edward. She packed her things and caught a taxi over to Central…

* * *

Ed sighed contentedly after another glorious session with Roy Mustang, his lover commander and Flame. Roy ran his hands through Ed's silky hair and turned his head slightly to passionately kiss him.

They were in Roy's office, a common place for one of their 'sessions'. Whether it was on the desk or on a chair. Tonight it was on the chair in front of the desk. Ed was just going to return Roy's kiss when…Trisha Elric opened the door.

The look on Ed's face was ashen and Roy's was one of major embarrassment. Now who had forgotten to lock the door this evening?

Roy and Ed gasped as one (A/N: Now that was crude) and scrambled for clothes. Roy ended up with Ed's red jacket and Ed ended up scrambling and only finding Roy's hat, the closest thing he could find.

'I'm sorry to interrupt!' Trisha stumbled awkwardly. 'I'll leave you two to it…'

But before she could even turn around, Mrs. Elric had dropped her hamper and she herself slumped in a dead faint.

Some time later, she awoke to a now fully clothed son and fully clothed Flame alchemist. Relief flashed through her mind. She blushed slightly and sat up.

'Now mum' said Ed, trying to explain.

'I think I need to go', said Trisha, almost speechless. Without another word she picked up her hamper and trooped quickly out of the room.

Roy cocked an eyebrow when he turned to Ed. '

What's she doing?' Roy asked, concerned about Trisha's odd behaviour.

'Retail therapy', Ed said in a scared, croaky voice, 'My bank balance is never going to be the same again!'

'Well Ed', said Roy bluntly 'There's always my bank balance'

(A/N: That phrase has so many double meanings even I don't know where to go with that one)

* * *

Trisha wasn't really sure what to think. She wasn't sure what was more shocking…the fact that her son was attracted to men or the fact that that man happened to Roy Mustang and Ed's commanding officer. Too many thoughts were running through her head. She needed some major retail therapy…

* * *

'You know I think I'd better go and smooth things with Mum. I don't know how she's taking it' Ed said, sighing.

'You know I think she took it rather well' Roy said with his usual arrogant smirk. He then gave Ed a suggestive look.

'Not right now Bastard Colonel', Ed said, using Roy's pet name. 'I have to go see'-

Trisha Elric suddenly burst through the door.

'Hi Boys! Good you haven't left yet. Now Edward I don't mind if you have a boyfriend but you need to tell me about these things'

'Uh Mum let me explain'-

'Now, there's nothing to explain to me young man, except for the fact that you're having unprotected sex.'

'What the'- Ed spluttered.

'Don't interrupt me Ed, it's rude. As I was saying, I went to the store and I picked up some condoms. We have yellow and pick and red and I think these ones are glow in the dark', she said holding a star patterned packet.

Roy and Ed were now blushing a deep crimson red. A collective sweat drop ensued for all but Mrs. Elric.

'Mum' said Ed prepared for the backlash he was undoubtedly going to get. We're both _male_!'

'And I'm quite aware of that Ed but no one knows _what_ alchemy to do to the body!'

(A/N: Basically Neo Diji's 'Unexpected Surprises' is what happens when they don't use protection…)

'But mum'-

'Oh' she said, suddenly remembering. 'I also bought you boys these!'

She pulled out a set of fluffy pink handcuffs, what looked to be most of Dr. Frankenfurter's outfit from the Rocky Horror picture show and some rusty chains. There were still several unopened packages to go.

Ed had no idea what to do. On one level, he was happy his mum was accepting to the idea. On the other one hundred and fifty levels he was embarrassed beyond belief in front of his lover and seeing as his mother was this involved already, how long would it be until she started asking about their sex life?

'Mrs. Elric' Roy said smirking at the horrified, worried look on his lover's face 'Could I have a look at what you have in there?'

And so ended the most embarrassing day of Edward Elric's young life.

* * *

Author's Notes

Sheikgoddess: Short and sweet. Hope you liked it. Please press the purple review button, being very conscious of the fact that this was indeed my first EdxRoy fic.


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